It doesn’t matter if you’re in your 20’s, 30’s, 40’s or 50’s….everyone has heard the song “Single Ladies” by Beyonce. Some of you have danced to it, used it as a theme song, and proudly told “them” to “put a ring on it!” Hold up right there sister-girl….I have something to say that may help you revamp that song.
A good friend of mine, Dr. Alduan Tartt wrote a best-selling book entitled: “The Ring Formula,” Steve Harvey wrote: “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man,” and it’s sequel and Shanae Hall wrote “Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man?, How to Think Like a Lady and Still Get the Man” While each of these books, along with countless others help navigate a single woman towards understanding men and how to prepare for marriage, none of them speak directly to a woman about being a woman-without the man. As well-intentioned as these books are, and I by no means am knocking them or their authors…I must pause and ask this question: What’s the motive behind these masterpieces? Because I know Dr. Tartt and he has explained to me his purpose and his call-I am clear on his intent. However, I don’t believe you have to change to be successfully single for the sole purpose of “getting the man.” You aren’t supposed to chase a man anyway. The Bible states that “HE that finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” Proverbs 18:22
I will say this: A man existed before a woman PHYSICALLY-but she resided inside him all along and was fashioned in the Image of God. However, Eve, whose name means mother, or mother of nations, was the impetus for all men after Adam, with the exception of Christ and even He had to have an Earthly lineage. Genesis 1:26-4:1 It’s most important that we as women understand ourselves in the light of Christ BEFORE and INSTEAD of in the love of Man. Many mistakes can be avoided when you realize your purpose as a woman….apart from a man. Once you have that figured out and anchored in Jesus, only then can you actuate what you have learned into application of a relationship with a man.
If you don’t know how to cook, how can you call yourself a chef? Do you know the job description and definition of a chef? A chef is an expert in culinary creations. He/She takes time to study their craft. There are reality shows that focus on chef competitions. Being a chef and a master one at that is likened to being a woman. Not for the domesticated duties ascribed to women that I bring this up-but for the tireless and countless hours it takes to become a Master of Understanding Your Craft. Consider it an analogy.
In this blog, Mrs. Richardson focuses on what to do as a “Mrs. Master Chef,” if you will. My focus will be on the “Miss Master.” Let me pause and give a big high-five to all of the single ladies holding it down on their own…God has His hands on you sisters-don’t give up on Him. To every single woman out there who feels as though she is incomplete without a man, here are some reasons why you may be suffering from this:
The Father Fracture:
Many women today well into their 30’s and 40’s are still searching for “Daddy,” whether he has the “Sugar” or not. Somehow, somewhere your father was absent from your life for whatever reason and now every man you have has become a replacement for him and often times the object of your anger. If God trusted your father to raise you, He would have kept him in your life-some dads He had to remove so they wouldn’t further contaminate your call. So consider from this day forward, that the strength you have is because ABBA FATHER saw fit to raise you HIMSELF, and never look for your Father in a man again…otherwise you will stay fractured. The reason you keep running from man to man is for validation-you want a man, not your girl friends to tell you that you are beautiful, smart, intelligent, etc… things your mother would usually do. Contrary to popular school of thought- A Woman’s Worth comes from The Warrior and not the Womb! If your father did not assure you of who you were with positivity, you are bound to seek self-esteem boosters from other father figures. And they are just that-FIGURES! Get past them and go to the One who figured in the factor that you just might one day suffer from a Fracture!
This is a difficult one-Hence the word Matrix! Our mothers are supposed to be the nurturers of the family, always there, leading and guiding us to be the kind of women that God called us to be. They are supposed to be positive role models and influences in our lives and as young girls they are never supposed to abandon us. Unfortunately that is not the case for many women, in fact quite the opposite. This matrix is crazy. That is the best way for me to describe it and it affects men too, but there is a space on here for the men. Let’s stick to us. “Mother Knows Best,” is something we often hear. Let me say that is not always true. Many mothers were/are master manipulators. Consider Rebekah in creating an offspring (that would be us) that are perfectionists at “trapping a man.” This is why some of those and other books I mentioned get under my skin a bit. A woman’s job is not to manipulate a situation but to manufacture that which will bring the situation glory according to God’s blueprint: The Bible. You’ve heard this said many times: “Ooh, I can tell this place has a woman’s touch.” That’s manufactured glory. Don’t despise your mother. That’s in the Bible. Google it-it will give you something to do instead of seeking out the next victim to fall into your web. Perhaps your mother didn’t have the spiritual tools to teach you. You can’t focus on that now. You have to once again….go back to the Source.
Understand your Design
Women were created with a womb and that physical apparatus does more than just nurture and push out a baby. Have you ever been in a situation where you just “snapped” on somebody for seemingly “no apparent reason?” That is because you let something they said or did incubate and grow inside of you, until you could no longer keep it in so you just PUSHED it out! We are emotional creatures, adept at multitasking, and skillful at helping pull the pieces together. That’s powerful…use with caution.
Examine Your Sister Circle
“Birds of a Feather Fall Prey Together” If your sister-girl friends are all giving you advice but they themselves are not on your level, you may want to fall out of formation. It is rare to find another woman that will truly celebrate you for who you are. They start off pretending and as God raises you up, they begin a devious ploy to destroy you. And it’s usually with their mouths-and we know what the Word says in James about the tongue. In my opinion, a woman doesn’t need a circle….just a couple or a few good women who truly love God. I say that because in every circle there is bound to be a Judas and a Jezebel and those traits will rub off on you and wreck havoc on your home. If you are the smartest, get out now!
I would like to challenge you to STOP looking at yourself as you relate, or would like to relate to a man that will one day “put a ring on it,” and start studying Biblical Women. Study their ups and downs, their successes, failures, etc…. Study WHY God places such a high value on women. Then take some time to inventory yourself. Might you have some similar characteristics of any of those women? How would God speak to you about those things? Everyone is apt to run straight to Proverbs 31-I caution against that unless you learn/work by backwards design. Proverbs 31 is the last chapter in your book on being a Godly woman. You need to study her “predecessors” to learn what to do, and especially what NOT to do.
There is an exercise called “Unpacking.” Most women when going on vacation take great care in packing their luggage and have at least 2-3 bags. When they arrive at their destination, they hang the clothes that may suffer from wrinkles and pull out one outfit and a pair of shoes for that “special day.” Now look back at all that junk in those bags. That is what we have to do in our lives. Stop taking out that one “good outfit” (mask) and pretending that we have it all together. Go through your luggage and unpack what you need to work on-throwing out what’s unnecessary, and re-examine WHY you are so you can get to WHERE you are supposed to be.
Man-hopping is not going to get you anything except jet-lag and a few STDs…. Some Token Days. What is your goal as you hum Beyonce’s tune? If it’s for him to “put a ring on it-” have you considered it might not fit because you may not have been legit? This may seem harsh-but someone had to check someone else, and so on and so forth until they checked me. Now it’s on YOU! Check mate!
Determine from today forward you will discover who you are as a woman, why you are the way you are and what things about you need to go so the wonderful things can GLOW, and what it is you are designed to do for the Glory of God. Once you get busy gleaning in God’s field….and mean it….”Boaz” will see you Ruby:)
~Natasha Stevens © 2011
Natasha Stevens, is the Founder and CEO of The Perceptive Media Group, where she also serves as a mass-media consultant, producer, director and writer. She is the Vice-President of Infinite Hope, a Christian non-profit organization specializing in urban and rural revitalization of individuals, communities and nations around the globe. Ms. Stevens is currently authoring two books and a stage-play. In January of 2010, she developed the program fy-go: For Young Girls Only, centered around females ages 13-21 in order to prepare & navigate them spiritually and holistically towards becoming young women after God’s own heart.
Her personal testimony is one of faith and triumph in the midst of seeming defeat and loss. Natasha Stevens’ life experiences and her zeal for God led her to answer the call into ministry 16 years ago.
After what she calls her “Who Me Lord? I Don’t Think So” period, she finally submitted to God’s will for her life to share the Gospel with a hurting world, especially in womens ministry. She has a passion for missions work, teaching, intercessory prayer, and helping others. She is a member of The City Of Hope International-Faith Chapel of San Diego, CA, under the leadership of Elder Terrell and Lady Sheree Fletcher.
Natasha, or “Tash,” as she is affectionately known by most, has her BA in Spanish and MA studies in both Spanish and Education from USC and the University of Costa Rica, San Jose. She has spent time studying in Spain, where she subsequently developed a study abroad program for students.
In her spare time, Ms. Stevens enjoys reading, culinary arts, travel, sports, occasional shopping and spending time with her family and close friends. One of her favorite scriptures,and a true testament to her personal journey is: 2 Corinthians 12:9- “And He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
© 2011 The GOoD Life. Courtesy of Right The Vision. All Rights Reserved.