Let’s DO Marriage…INTENTIONALLY!!!

In life, we could just put one foot in front of the other and “make it” OR we can live intentionally and really engage in the adventure of sanctification God has laid out for us. This is true of all areas of life, but it’s definitely true for married life. Here are some ways that Ardarion & I have gone about intentionally living in, growing in, and fortifying our marriage:

* We talk, talk, talk. That doesn’t mean that’s all we do… but we talk through the things on our minds and hearts. The stresses, the good things. The difficult and wonderful things. Here’s one way that we initially started doing this:

“HIGH/LOW”– with this, you just share the “HIGH” and the “LOW” for that particular day. It’s a low time commitment, but that way you’re seeing the good and hard things in each others lives. We don’t do this very often now, because we’re so used to talking about life together. But  this will help develop the habit of regular communication about the things that matter.  Now, our conversations usually start with, “what’s on your mind?” or “what are you reading about?”

* We serve each other. He pours me big glasses of sweet tea. I make meals that he specifically likes. He gives me a foot rub and massage several nights a week while we talk on the couch. I organize his books. We BOTH contribute to each others sanity in big and small ways.

* We keep the physical fires fanned and burning. If you’ve read here at all, you know this is a big one for me. It’s also one that I don’t want to give too many specifics about in such a public forum. You can always email me if you want to talk about specific questions/situations, etc. But I will say these things: He’s not the only one who initiates. We make this part of our relationship a very crucial, regular, fun, growing, and passionate priority. We work hard to make this a really wonderful time to come together and re-connect. We still flirt with each other. And we don’t say no.

On that last point, here are some things that help me put it into perspective:

  1. When I’m 75, will I look back with regret at consistently (or even occasionally) having told him “no” when he tried to pursue me? Or with satisfaction and thankfulness because I really did get outside of myself and love and serve in this area of marital intimacy?
  2. Have I ever regretted doing it? (That old, “it’s like exercise” thing– even when you weren’t wanting to, you’re never sorry once you’ve done it.)
  3. I’m the only woman who can righteously love my husband in this way.
  4. For women, it can be likened to a campfire… if you keep the coals warm, it’s easier to get things blazing again than if you let the fire go out between uses. SO, don’t go too long between times. Keep those coals warm and ready for a regular fire.
  5. The optimal sexual encounter lasts between 3 and 13 minutes (they say). SURELY we can make time for 3 to 13 minutes if that’s your truth, even on your busiest days!

* We STILL “date” each other. Ours don’t look like actual “go out to the movies” kind of dates all the time … We kind of have a date night whenever we want. Sometimes we’ll watch a comedy and laugh together. Or we’ll sit on the couch and read together, with our legs touching and the occasional smile and wink as we turn a page. Little things like that can really re-connect you in the midst of the storm. The point is to take time to BE together and enjoy it.

Building the relationship throughout the day:

  • Before he leaves for work, tell him something you respect him for, and give him a big nice long kiss.
  • When he passes you in the kitchen while you’re making dinner, flirt with each other… don’t lose sight of the fact that this was the man that 3, 10, or 35 years ago, you couldn’t WAIT to be around!
  • At dinner, make a point to really talk and listen to each other. Even if it’s only for 5-10 minutes of the meal, intentionally connect during that time. I’m sure, when you have little ones, one of you is cutting pieces of chicken into smaller bites and the other one is grabbing a dish towel cause the child who always spills something at every meal has struck again… but that’s life. Enjoy those moments together.
  • Get on the same page about the things that matter… money, kids, extended family relationships, time management, etc. Talk through these things and approach them as working together as a team rather than as each of you picking the other apart or trying to “fix” what’s wrong with the other person. And respect his leadership in these areas as the head of the home.
  • Try to still do the things that connected you early on… holding hands, kissing for more than a short peck, leaving each other notes (if you did that), talking about basketball/music/politics (whatever it was you loved discussing together), etc.
  • BUT ALSO– find some new things that can connect you. Perhaps he’s knee-deep in learning about real estate, or the fundamentals of Christianity or the Holy Spirit, or various approaches to website building, or some such thing. FIND POINTS of discussion and sharing about those things. And share with him the things YOU’RE thinking about and learning. Don’t brush each other off and just say, “oh, he’s talking about x… I’ll never understand why he cares about that.” Or “domestication is my thing…” and then zone out. Bring each other along for the journeys you’re both on. Delight in the things that the other is delighting in. Learn about the things that matter to him (like football drafts, or March Madness). Talk through the things that are troubling you. Share the concerns you have about a particular child’s behavior, or the relationship with the in-laws, or the direction your church is heading.

SHARE LIFE TOGETHER. Don’t just live life on parallel tracks… get on the SAME track and travel it together.

Something I find helpful during stressful moments is to realize that this is God’s adventure for OUR lives. THIS IS MY REAL LIFE. As me and some sister friends often say this is “The Wife Life & We Do This.” I won’t get these moments back, I won’t get a re-do. The way I’m living now can’t be altered later. The way my marriage is now can’t be erased and re-written. I need to walk in the way that I will want to have walked when I am old.

Thoughts? Anything you want to add?


© 2011 The GOoD Life. Courtesy of Right The Vision. All Rights Reserved.


20 thoughts on “Let’s DO Marriage…INTENTIONALLY!!!

  1. Sis this was great. I’ve always wondered about a lot of this especially dating flirting and initiation. Great job

  2. Awesome post!!!!! Very informative! I wish every married couple/ those preparing for marriage could read this! Its easy to get “caught up” with the life & follow a routine til we forget to focus on what’s important!
    Will share with my folks via twitter!

    Your blog is a blessing to me…..I look forward to reading your posts!

    Have a blessed evening & keep inspiring others!

  3. Once again, a powerful blog sis. I’ve learned from being married before the importance of serving one another & how to be selfless rather than selfish. Like you stated, It is so important to communicate & keep the fire lit. I’m learning to this day the power of putting God 1st & how important it is to be your mates best friend & #1 cheerleader next to God. I commend you & your husband for showing us how a marriage looks when God is at the head. I pray nothing but everlasting love over to two of you. Keep letting God use you as you sow seeds of love & marriage wisdom over all of God’s children.

    Bless you,
    Your big bro Broderick

  4. Girl, this is one powerful blog! I appreciate you for sharing your life with others. So many have forgotten how to be transparent to help others in THEIR walk. Keep being the example. Married life is not easy and I totally agree – – you must live with intentions (rightfully); and along with that are the right motives. It is easy to lose sight of why you married unless you keep it at the forefront of your mind; particularly when children and life’s battles and situations come your way. My sis you are wise 😉 and God is sending increase your way because of your obedience.

    Blessings…much Love…B

  5. This is powerful! I really enjoyed reading this sis! I’m def.soaking up all this information for later application. Continue to walk in your purpose, because it’s changing lives!

  6. Absolutely wonderful truth! Like you said “This is your REAL life”, I praise God that you are walking and living in a way that we can eat spiritual/eternal fruit off of. I’m very blessed to call you sis. LOVE like always this amazing piece of work.

  7. I really enjoyed reading your blog. Keep sharing this very informative information. I am soaking it all in so when its my time I will be ready.

  8. This is sooooooooooooooooooo helping me right now for the future I like the fact you gave plenty of examples for people to try. Again, I am so thankful you decided to do this you are helping alot of people. Love you!:-)

  9. I LOVEE THIS! I am a 21 & a newly wed as of Dec 12th! We are both grounded in Christ! I am a true believer in “keeping the physical fires fanned and burnning” — we actually just researched the statistics of marriages whose fires burnt out [crzy ridiculous] i dnt see how one can go without! — keep the posts coming! im a fan now!

    happy blogging!

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