I just don’t wanna…But it’s not just yours…

I’m just gonna ramble. Hopefully some of this will help you or someone else. This has been a conversation piece among some of the blogs I’ve seen lately, so why not delve into it from a young woman’s point of view…Mine, so here we go!!!

[First of all, I’d like to frame this in terms of what you like for your husband to do for you. For example, if you like him to talk, give you gifts, go shopping with you on Saturday, attend special events together, etc…. whatever it is… first, frame this question in terms of that, “what if he just didn’t want to?” Hopefully, his love for you would compel him to work through his “not liking it” so that he can learn to love you in ways that speak love to you. So, as a wife, whether we “want to” or not is actually a side issue.]

Just say yes. And tell him you’ll just say yes. Don’t say no or beg off ever again.

When you’re 85, I don’t think you’ll ever look back and say, “Wow, I wish we hadn’t have connected THAT time. That sure did stink to kiss and hang out nekkid together. That sure was awful to reconnect and refuel in the midst of our busy lives.” But I’d bet many a widow DOES look back and wonder why she ever turned that precious man down. Even when he was imperfect (which is ALWAYS). So, don’t turn him down. That’s a big step, but a GREAT one.

Meet this need for your husband. LOVE HIM the way you’d want him to LISTEN to you. And then, over time, let him know how much it helps you to be heard, or how much it helps you if he’ll just x, y, or z. But frankly, don’t expect him to change. He may not. We can only change ourselves.

Biblically, and WONDERFULLY, you’re the gal. You’re the one person that can rightly meet his needs in this area. (And if you don’t, then you’re disobeying 1 Cor. 7–perhaps unintentionally, but nonetheless, still disobeying.) AND that’s the way God intended it– for OUR good, individually and as a “one flesh” unit, and for HIS glory.

You know how all these boys (I call them boys because that’s what they act like) who are 25-35 sit around addicted to video games? And porn? Studies have shown that the neurons and chemicals in their brain that fire are the SAME ones that fire off during making love. The very things that GOD built into their biology to bond them to their wives are bonding them to the computer screen or TV screen. GOD intended this great action to get your husband to be WILD about you. To connect him to you. To give him an AWESOME physical motivation to keep — and HONOR — that covenant. Take advantage of that beautiful plan and connect with your husband.

It’s been said that women make love after they feel emotionally connected, and men make love TO feel emotionally connected. It’s not always true, 100% across the board, but it IS true for the majorities of both men and women. So that helps me remember, that it’s really NOT just a physical release he is looking for– he wants to know we’re OK, he wants things to BE OK between us. For me, I need to talk it out. For him, connecting physically lets him know that things ARE “OK” between us.

Another amazing thing that I’ve found is that the more we do it, the more I want to do it. It’s like a fire that needs tending… if I let the coals burn out, it takes a lot longer the next time to get things heated back up and cooking. So, the thing I need to do is “cook” often enough that the coals don’t ever get cold. When we regularly tend the fire, it never goes out. But if we do it and then wait a while and then do it again, it seems like such a duty, such a chore.

I understand that I am the only person in the world who has been ordained by God to meet my husband’s sexual needs. My body belongs to him, and his belongs to me. Through the bonds of marriage, our bodies are God’s gift to one another. For this reason, I have a duty to try to fulfill his desires, and he mine.

Now please don’t think that I’m talking about that kind of grim old, “oh-great-just-what-I-need-another-duty” kind of thing. I find that it’s all in how you look at a thing…how you approach it. You can say “I have to do it, so I will” or you can say “I get to do it, so I will.” If we view sex as a gift from God, something really special and good that He’s given us for pleasure as well as procreation…well that’s a different kind of duty, isn’t it?

Practice marital hedonism. Just like God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him, seeking our joy and delight in HIM alone… our husbands are most delighted when they know we are so delighted by them. Don’t be afraid to let loose and have a rip-roaring good time… to take real pleasure and delight in the bedroom activities you get to share with your husband. He’ll love it! God gave us women all those sensitive nerve endings for EXACTLY that purpose!

Interestingly, the media has just reported about a study that shows that optimal sex only takes 3-13 minutes. (Don’t know who they surveyed, but that’s not important, lol) We make time for everything else in the world– three to thirteen minutes ain’t NOTHIN.

But besides all that, I guess, for me, what it comes down to is a simple choice: I made a vow to love and honor and cherish this man … and I want to do it — not begrudgingly, not because I feel obligated, not because I took the right vitamin to balance things out in my body (although if there is something, then take it!)… but because I LOVE HIM AND HE IS GOD’S PRECIOUS GIFT TO ME. AND THE BIBLE SAYS THAT MY BODY IS HIS BODY– AND PRAISE GOD, HE WANTS MY BODY– HOWEVER THE DIFFERENCE MAY BE ON THE VIEW OF IT… HE WANTS IT!

This is one area of our marriage that I absolutely focus on…I really focus in on what HE desires, and I revel in that. Out of all the stuff that takes up our time, our husband is the #1 human being on our list… we’re to help him and serve him. It’s not popular, but it’s true.

We have this fun, laughter-inducing, amazing way to help and love and serve our husbands. Praise God for such a great, creative gift! Let’s put it to good use.


© 2011 The GOoD Life. Courtesy of Right The Vision. All Rights Reserved.


26 thoughts on “I just don’t wanna…But it’s not just yours…

  1. Whoo Hoo!!! Well you just laid it out there plain and simple! So true! The only time EITHER party is to abstain (and that with limitations) is during fasting and prayer! Thank you for your boldness to declare truth about this-maybe some married women will stop using sex as a tool! Amen!

  2. Awesome! You really touched on a topic that all women who are married and or desire to be married need to really think about. The day you said/say “I do” your body is no longer your own.

  3. I’m not married yet but man this blessed my life. I love reading about things regarding marriage in advance so I won’t be getting into anything ignorantly…if that makes any sense. Thanks so much for posting this wisdom. I pray a long,strong, awesome marriage between you and your husband. Thanks again!

  4. WOW…loved reading this! You really, really, really nailed it and it was so eloquently written. I will send this to my wife right now. AWESOME!!!

  5. WHEW! All I can say is “WHEN I GET MARRIED”… but honestly so many of us single gals look at situations with married women who “just don’t want to…” and think “WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!!?!?” But in reality, I can imagine that marriage introduces many situations and circumstances that honestly make you feel that way. I appreciate this blog, ’cause it lets me know what to pray FOR and what to pray AGAINST even now as a single gal, so when the time comes I won’t have to say “I just don’t want to…”!

    and SHUT YO MOUF @ “Studies have shown that the neurons and chemicals in their brain that fire are the SAME ones that fire off during making love.” – WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!


  6. Shalonda!!! This is awesome and so needed! So many women are not trained for marriage and what being a wife entails (sexually). But this type of teaching is needed especially within the church because for many women who have practiced sexual repression their whole lives, it is process to blossom like a flower in the marriage bed. God has blessed you with this wisdom and the courage to share it. I’m so proud of you. This has been a blessing to take in! Take care dear!

  7. Delicate topic here handled with wisdom and grace. Thank you!

    As a guy, I’d have to say that our need for “sexual fulfillment” is to be defined as “when we can please and fulfill our wives sexually”. There’s really no fulfillment for us outside of that. This post goes a long way in describing the woman-side of this equation – the perspective needed by a woman to begin to truly enjoy this whole area that God’s anointed for mutual satisfaction. Well done.

  8. This is so awesome on so many levels. I agree with many of the other comments left. This topic is often not talked about in the church. We here so much before we get married about abstaining which is what we should do.So many single women are not prepared mentally and spiritually for sex during marriage. I gained alot of insight and I happy you wrote about it and I hope other women who eventually want to get married one day like me will embrace it when the time comes.

  9. Great!! My mom has done so many teachings on this exact subject as well as other women of the gospel in women conferences.I heard of this at a tender age I never knew of the importance until pre-marital counseling and when I got married! I heard it but never understood it all, I was like oh when I get married I can handle it I want say, No. No considering we can all get upset and let our flesh rise and think well this is my body and Im upset for whatever reason. For me listening. Maybe he was not listening when the game was on. But why talk to your husband about certain matters when the game is on,, if he loves sports,he aint listening.Just like Im not when I am shopping. It takes time and wisdom to learn your spouse.

  10. Once again, great article sis.. This is very powerful & right on point.. I pray that this blog reaches the right people & makes a grat impact in married women & soon to be married womens lives as well.

    Bless you sis

  11. Amen! I definitely agree with everyone else in that you gracefully and with wisdom, addressed a number one topic amongst married individuals. Our bodies are not our own and we should be honored to share ourselves with one another. Sex in marriage is holy an righteous. Furthermore we make a vowel stay together til death…that could be a long time. This means we have plenty of time to learn each others sexual needs, desires and even dysfunctions. Communication is key and if sex is important we have to effectively communicate our sexual needs. A husband and wife are the only people who can tap into the holy intimacy God has placed between the two of them. Awesome awesome post sis! Got me thinking and applying principles even more! Thanks!! And keep’em coming!

  12. Couldn’t agree more! The verses in 1 Cor 7 say that our bodies are not our own but we belong to each other. So, we have no ‘right’ to withhold from each other. We’re meant to give ourselves to each other – that’s the way we’re wired. By withholding we are denying the other pleasure which is their due as our spouse. Love keeps loving even when it doesn’t feel in a loving mood. Feelings aren’t love, commitment to each other is.

  13. AWESOME job sis!! Even though I’m not married YET this is very helpful to the ones who aspire to be! Keep letting the Lord use you through blogging!!

  14. i agree totally… we should focus, love, and enjoy pleasing each other… GOD FIRST of course, but when we honor, respect, love, submit to each other and please each other within a marriage union, it is also honoring GOD and His gift to us. i personally love Love, and looking forward to sharing and making love with my gift! 🙂 i plan to enjoy and have fun doing it! hello! lol

  15. Awesome blog…
    Keep up the great work! I have been married 22 years and it only gets better! Thanking God everyday… 🙂

  16. LOVE this! Such great honesty and transparency and everything makes such good sense! Gives me a topic to look forward to in marriage! Keep writing shalonda!!! Love u boo!

  17. WHEW WHOO!!!!!! LLLLOOOVVVEEEE!!!! Exactly what the body needs to hear right now. I have been studying & researching the very core of the issues believers have in this area. I can not wait to speak life & preach this very sort of thing in the near future. Bravo sis, more woman, especially in the body of Christ need to speak to this very “taboo” subject! *high five*

  18. wonderful post. Thank you. God’s always sending me what I need to hear on a particular day and today he used you!

  19. Will send this to my Hubby! I think this is awesome I’m will recommend this for my young wives club. This was a awesome read and I believe EVERY married woman should read this blog

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